A note to readers: I originally wrote this blog back in March when I thought my website would be up and running. I wanted to include it as it is still a current part of my journey. So please enjoy my Peacock Tale about my swaggering ego.
Why do we need our ego?
I agree with Skyhooks song ‘Ego is not a dirty word.’ Our ego is the outer reflection of our mental and emotional state. The ego is an indicator of a person’s self-esteem or self-importance. We all need to have a healthy, balanced ego to create and maintain relationships with not only other people but also ourselves. Our ego is what drives us to do the things we do in life.
Too much ego, however, can make people seem obnoxious and annoying, while too little ego makes us not care about the world or what our place and function is in it. It’s always important to check in regularly how much it is running our lives and keep it in healthy balance.
The reason I am writing this is not to give you a lecture on our egoic state but to share with you a prime example when my own ego got in my way, creating me a tremendous amount of physical pain and setback.
Having a goal
My goal or dream is to compete in the World Transplant Games that are going to be held here in Perth in 2023, how fantastic would it be to be competing on a world stage in my own hometown? For this to happen, I needed to have a shoulder replacement. That was no big deal. If I, had it done by August 2021, then I would have eighteen months to recover and get my fitness back. Easy! With that plan in mind, I went ahead and got my new shoulder.
Doing what it takes to achieve your goal
Being told by the surgeon that there would be no weight bearing for four to six months and returning to yoga would be closer to the twelve-month mark, I agreed and told him no worries. I wanted a full and successful outcome. Religiously doing my physio stretches and gentle movements, I was confident that I was well on track. I continued my yoga each morning at home but only performing the standing and lying positions, along with walking each day. I was noticing small gains in my range of motion and was pleased with my progress.
When ego gets in your way
At a physio visit at week ten, I showed her how I could do my sun salutation and warrior poses. Yes, I was showing off and feeling proud kin to Zena Warrior woman. Glowing remarks of the vast range of motion and how I was much further along than other patients at the same stage as me was too much for my ego. I knew I was pretty fantastic and if I put my mind to something, I can make it happen and now the physio had confirmed it for me.
Yep, I am hot stuff and don’t you forget it!
Internal conflict with the ego
Telling my family and friends of the physio’s comment, it was just too much for my ego to deal with. On Saturday morning, a few days after the physio’s glowing report, I let my ego get the better of me. Going through my yoga routine, my ego told me that I was indeed Zena warrior woman and was strong enough to perform a plank. For those who don’t know what a plank is, it is a body weight position where you hold yourself up on elbows and knees or toes while lifting your torso up. Extremely hard on the shoulders but great for strengthening your core muscles. I was only hovering for ten seconds or so when I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. Something felt wrong and immediate regret set in.
What the hell did I think I could hold a plank at week ten, when the surgeon told me about no yoga for eight to twelve months, let alone no weight bearing for four months and here I am at bloody week ten thinking I am so amazing and better than anyone else that I can magically do the impossible without any consequence!
To add fuel to the fire, the following week, I went down to the pool to go into the walking lanes.
The physio thought it would be great if I could get in the water and do some gentle arm movement.
Light Breast stroke arms and moving them back and forth as I walk would be beneficial.
Obeying the physio’s orders, I went in the pool.
Ego, once again got in my way. Memories of my victorious gold medal swimming days popped straight back into my head. What am I doing walking in these lanes? I thought. I’m a swimmer, I’m not doing any of this sissy stuff. So, what did my swaggering ego tell me to do? Time to bring out Zena once again! Twenty laps of power walking with strong scooping full length arms, followed by another twenty laps walking backwards with full, strong Breaststroke arms! I felt all right at the time but later on that afternoon, my arm was like a dead lump of meat, just hanging there with no strength at all and considerable pain partnering it. Yep, my ego, got the better of me once again.
The price you pay when ego gets in the way
Long story short, I go in tomorrow (31 March 2022) for another shoulder replacement. Not only did I move the joint out of position, but I also tore my supraspinatus muscle that gives the capability of lifting the arm up. I now need a reverse shoulder replacement (the ball and socket are anatomically positioned opposite to how they normally are) to remedy my ego’s work.
Keep focus on your goals
I still haven’t put the dream or goal of competing in the world games completely out of my mind. I have always been a goal setter and visualise the end result I am wanting. This time however, I will be on guard of my ego and keep Zena warrior woman in check. Slow and steady wins the race as the saying goes. I will keep you informed to how my progress toward my goal is proceeding.
Be brave and vulnerable with your goals.
We all need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in and dare to want to achieve something bigger than ourselves. By telling others of our goals is vulnerability on the front line. If you keep a dream to yourself, you have no one to make you accountable towards making steps toward your goal. Be brave. Dare Big and discover how much energy and exuberance you feel inside. The only failure in life is when you are not doing the best to your own capability. There is no need to compare yourself to anyone else. Just know that you are always giving one hundred percent of your personal best and that is all anyone should ever expect of you.
Always believe in yourself and don’t let anyone stand in your way. It is not the achievement of your goal or dream that is important but your strive and personal growth and empowerment gained on your journey along the way.