Do you feel the same person that you were before?
Just recently, I was asked a question requiring some deep reflective thought. It was after I had finished playing a much-enjoyed game of blind canasta with friends.
They were Hon’s (aka Sharon) best friends. even though we all knew one another at a personal level through Hon, we had never met or interacted with one another. These friends were also great fans of canasta, so after Hon explaining to them how we play, they decided to give it ago.
Apprehension with meeting someone with a disability
Initially a bit apprehensive as to how I would be, what do they have to do around me, and all of those familiar frequent questions people have when meeting someone with a disability is encountered. Hon reassuring them that I can take a joke and give back as much as I get and certainly never takes offense at anything, our Grande maiden introduction was arranged.
Questions about being legally blind and having a heart transplant
The game was filled with an extreme amount of politically incorrect language and comments. Being endearingly nickname Helen Keller, even though I assured them I had no problem with hearing or talking, I enjoyed this extremely humorous banter. It was not only me, but derogatory comments and insults were flying around the room to one another, echoed with raptures of laughter. Intermingled with playing the game, they had curiosities about how I do things and life now in general. Open and happy to share insights of my life now with not only having a heart transplant but waking up legally blind from it.
I told them funny stories of things that have happened with learning my new normal as blind, they were both intrigued and grateful while having a good laugh for my openness and honesty. I also enjoy sharing these insights with people, as I too Had never met anyone who had been transplanted or was blind before me. I also would be curios myself if in their position.
Soul searching questions
Then checking if I minded being asked a personal question, he inquired if I feel like the same person I was before all this happened?
My initial response was to blurt out, that of course I did. I am still the same old Colleen I was before. Wanting to be truthful and open, I paused for a moment to check in with myself before opening my mouth. I had never been asked this question and I didn’t want to simply just brush it off as something of no importance. That would not be authentic or true to myself, nor would it shed real light for others to understand the significance of such a life changing event. In that pause, I searched deep inside trying to find my truth.
My response was “At first, I thought I was the same old Colleen that I was before. I jumped quickly into normal mode with getting on as if nothing had happened. Learning to do the things I had previously done, going out with friends, and getting on with life as best I could. I thought people would treat me exactly the same as before I was back in the game of life and never made an issue of it. I never expected people to not want to interact with me or to walk by quickly obviously hoping I wouldn’t notice them and engage in an uncomfortable conversation. When I would go to shopping centres with friends, they would always comment on the stares that people gave me. It didn’t bother me as I couldn’t see them, but whoever was with me, got upset by it.
The emotional impact of not receiving social cues
After a while, I also began to feel that I was something unusual to be looked at and treated differently. I don’t get the facial or body language feedback that tells us what people are expressing, the social cues are not there. Not knowing if someone is smiling, frowning, crying, angry or even interested when engaging with me. I didn’t understand the significance of this for quite some time or how it was impacting me emotionally, it gives you a sense of alienation, a feeling of not belonging in the norm of social acceptance. It’s a strange feeling but I do feel unconnected from others without this subtle but crucial feedback.
Acceptance of change
I have come to accept that things are not the same, nor am I the same old Colleen that I was prior, That’s not a bad or negative thing, it’s simply different. I do things differently now and life has opened in other ways for me, and I am loving my new me.”
With that, I found itself empowering and healing with accepting and expressing to them how I truly feel. There is nothing wrong with that for it simply is what it is.
If you are feeling alienated, not fitting in to where you were before. Don’t try and fight it or make it the way it was. Accept where you are and what has bought you to this point and try to integrate and understand what you are feeling. Often once we acknowledge the situation and can tell someone else about it, then healing and a chance to move forward in life can happen. Even journaling about how you are feeling can release tremendous stress and emotions that simply need to be acknowledged.
It's ok to feel different
No matter what the circumstance is that has brought you to this point in life, remember it’s ok to not have to feel the same as you were before. You now have a wonderful opportunity to reinvent yourself and journey down a new path in life and be excited about what adventures are installed for you. Invite the unknown and unfamiliar in and be open to opportunities that come your way. Let go of your old patterns and ways to invite new beginnings in. Shine your light and become the change you want to see in the world.
Thankyou for joining me and reading my Peacock Tale. I look forward to being with you again sharing stories and insights.
Next time I am taking a stroll down memory lane when I went on an outing to Araluen tulip festival. Be sure not to miss this stunning encounter of the beautiful display of tulips and the gorgeous grounds.
With love and no regrets
Colleen Ashby
Learn more? I highly viting the following website; Vision Australia, What is mental Health, Transplant Australia